slush.

cherishing morsels of a lack luster lover. a volcanous emotions. erupting. set me free with a chain embedded deep with regret. I loved without residue. took his maneuvers & rearranged the game. monopolizing where feelings used to create sparkles. taking 1000 cigarettes to overtake voided spaces. I can no longer reach the shell. dug my heels so deep into oblivion that I left scuff marks on the intents. finding sanction in a manifestation of regrettable table toppers. I have been told that I have danced on the moon a time or two... now I'm left waiting for the sun. conquer all the stars & play cards with constellations.

open heart nursery.

when my heart used to skip beats. 2009

! - slowly corked bullets following truthly sufficed amber waves-drifitng through puddles of placid women-

Just quickly enough to fast forward through the parts that make you look unkempt.

I’ve opened up my mind to holy waters & anointed myself as grail.
It’s nuclear.ly physical & I make my soul a part of the ménage a trios.
A shifty instinct you have pacified into depths I’d like to shallow…

Chokeless, be the bitch to help you swallow.
Baby it’s your back, I got forever------
yet when she looks in your rearview- she’ll see me fucking her.
Penetrating, like you fucked me out of all the opportunities of becoming a good wife-
Broken to bits in canvas, I’m the luminance that rips open.

Up & down we took turns on slicing our own schemes- I found myself wrestling through neat sheets in order to gleam.
desiring lovers to take my waist & lead me to the intensity that consumed me into you...
chastisizing a lost sense of self-
I’m internally grateful for the love that’s never met eternity,
For you are as lonely as I will never reside & that’s true… personified & denied.

I left lovers for covers & took prisoners under my golden gates.
wrapped my legs around any idea of being a designated suitor.
The unseen men that became my adaptations of what I needed & never blossomed.


Through aborting lives’ dreams- you were the everlasting mistakes, I helped glorify the death of seeds- Strained your remainders & all that seeped through were failures.

“I will never love anything the way that I loved Kayleigh”
2002 rocking chairs import thoughts- I’m buttered up to be placed onto scorching pans,

Watch as I melt into oblivion- I have never before,felt the loath I graciously inject through mindwaves & bottle unto you. -Positivity placed into jars that have shelved vibrations.

swarming through forecasted deductions of you, diseased.

I used to dream in technicolor portraits-
I discussed politics with the stars- & made a deal with angels-
offering pieces of my soul as payment to protect you-
Now, I'm left with notifications sent to the core no matter how many times I tried to return to sender.


Instead,
I took a number-
sat back -
& watched as you fucked them all.
Dicking my mind while finger fucking repressed thoughts.

women as slaves in the dungeons of your elusive chains.
I have insisted on being the fugitive- the escape artist that dictated silently.
you,never learning that things exist in simplicity in the consciousness you can't seem to assume.

I had an atlas that directed me to the harbor at the end of the labyrinth. Journeys that ended with unfulfilled representatives of an everlasting. love-singing syllables that "dangle from my lips & I am now the unseen."
Wasting moments I banish into depths of a paralyzed catastrophic place.
I need to suffice my life without a trail of past participles-
knead myself out of the numbsation I give into.

I want to FEEL-embody the piercing of perpetual escapism.
I want to be loved-a prisoner of undying devotion. devouring any self-serving proposition.
fasten the clips to the lessons I've learned & therefore begin to teach.

upcoming... permanentbodypaint.

EeeeeEk! Fall is among us- & how fucking excited am I!

-autumnlicious fashions (which I WILL be taking flicks of my upcoming finds!)

-lovely rows of citrus colored arbor-ness

-crisp weather which always makes me crave more culture.. & hugs

-leather jackets

-layering of all sorts

-coffee & walks, like the ones where you end up miles away from where you started- volunteers please!

Man oh man! this season has provided for me in more ways than likely expressed. Plus my birthday always makes a appearance, every year- never fails! :) September 26th baby! So many endeavors to do in the fabulous season! I want to get the courage to do a spoken word- but I'll have to do some research first! yeeeesah. I want to try new eateries & thrift every chance I get! (AHEMmariebaby)

My biggest quest is... take an autumn-seasoned trip to philly & then to new york. (leaves,flicks,pictures,subways,hotdogs,lights,controlled chaos,hugs & lust- yesplease!)

Stay tuned. work awaits me!

exes & ohs.

-closer was underneath sheets licking words from each other;

when we laid in beds just big enough to fit how we felt.

Deafened by loving you in all languages, peddling to rewind.

You once said you've wasting moments unspent with me,counterclockwise.

Expensively,you financed my soul, I left you bankrupt;unsorted.

drafts became cheap & abundant,eventually wholesale.

you'd planted seeds of raw,illuminate pungency inside me & ....made me glow.

----------------

the 2nd of April /20.oh.eight.

Possessed by a canvas that simply no longer grasped the paint.

Color illuminateless & pasty.

She painted our lives with a splattered spectrum of hues.

arrest for sake of numbness.

Scanning my mother's swollen eyes for some instance of cleanly devastate "Where is 'He' when you need Him?" she sobs,"...why did 'He' take her?"

Those taking God's name to pacify desires for a sense of completion....my appreciation considers more than I had ever imagined, but also impoverishes a few.

-----------------------------

Daddy left because he "just couldn't take her anymore"

So I searched the oceans of miles in between us for his hand to hold.

Adapting to slipping fingers & promises unfit to sow.

He loved me ever so conditionally & asked me why I could never return his calls.

An undistinguished regime of my lovely yet unpresent father has taken a toll on my adaptation of good men.

I don't have the heart to speak evils. We share laughs & for that I have felt a warmth impossible from anyone else.

I love you Daddy. I look forward to the day I'm given away to someone who can love my scars away.

Excuseless & in turn, I was taught to take men's hearts & wring the juice out.

Throughout a process I could never fathom, I took my own aspirations & put them on the shelf. Trophy satisfaction.

Soiled fingertips from dirty sheets caressed my body. Wincing through every touch, I cringed at the the starring role he had self-casted.

I allowed my sexual endeavors to be shared.

Erotic lessons & tongue in cheek role-play,being taught to clueless women.

Driving their inhibitions through the ceiling as they held the wall for balance from his “stamina”.

Those cheap 7 minutes he spent inside ME, took hours to wash clean.

pacified the good men for the good man I knew before he knew how to fuck.

as I sit in beds up all night. pillows take the place of lovers.

I love you,so I have sex with you.I give it to them so that they don’t tarnish my name.

"No one does it just like you do ," he's said, ".. I need you"

give me amnesia-so i can stand into a trustworthy earth. to cover my body with faith.

Wanting to whisper religious expenses,wisped like breath inside his pliable intentions.

Not bitter, just soured.

...By a man that needed me as much he needed a heartbreak.

The soother's approach stark & incomplete. Incompatible words he speaks through his divided attention span. I no longer can see sparkle in the face of the obvious.

Opportunities of justified, REAL LIFE versions of men took numbers as I tolerated for the unchosen one.

Shanghai-as of 2020.

As much as I get aroused by the city's extravangance & the way it turns my heavy heart to flutters. This however, gives me slight anxiety. Almost as if the light strewn from each building, will reach pieces of your soul & made them nothingsomes. Revolution put into mass overdrive. mass production & slow suffice gone.